remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
