Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I cut my penus on the lid.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
