the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
