I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
