everyone is single if you try hard enough
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
