Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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