i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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