I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
