woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
where am i from again
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Pants are for mortals
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
