It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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