he puts the penis in happiness.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
