So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
