I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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