the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
