3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
