while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
