No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
