in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
