You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
