I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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