I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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