I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
