i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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