we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
