Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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