dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm getting married
To pizza
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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