Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
