This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
zippers are such a cool invention
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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