The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
