Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
