broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
