According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
