This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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