He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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