He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
