I think I just saw someone hide a body.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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