So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize