I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
