I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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