i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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