I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Found the puke drawer
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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