i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
