My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
