Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
