when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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