So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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