whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
