So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
