Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
