I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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