Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
