so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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