awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
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