I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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