I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
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