sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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