What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
