Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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