it's too hot outside to masturbate.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
