no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
