i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit