i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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