Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
