first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
how drunk are you?
Several
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
