I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
